I Hate Miller Light's Man Laws

I really really hate those Miller Light Man Law commercials. In nearly all cases they are stupid, homophobic, or just play biased. Here are my opinions on all of the man law commercials that have been aired to date.

[Edit: So when I originally posted this neither blogger nor facebook like the formatting. Therefore I had to repost it.]

Problem Posed

Your best friend is dumped by his girlfriend. How long before you can ask her out?

Man Law Solution

Six months, but only if she is drop-dead gorgeous.

Jack's Counter

Varies highly on how long they were together. If he only dated her for a couple of months, then a true friend and a true man would get over his sorry self and accept the fact that she wasn't right for him, but maybe she's right for you. If they dated for a long-time and the break-up was rough or he still has feelings for her than she is off limits.

Problem Posed

If you bring Miller Lite to a party and not all of it is consumed, can you take the remainder with you as you leave the party?

Man Law Solution

Tuck Rule: One beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket.

Jack's Counter

No, the beer was a gift to the party. If you are traveling to another party or to a bar as many road beers as you can consume en route to the party is acceptable to take, but if you're just going home and you're going to put the beers in the fridge it is not acceptable to take any.

Problem Posed

If a friend gets you a beer from the bar, is it acceptable for the friend to stick his finger in the opening to bring back several beers to the table at once?

Man Law Solution

No. "You poke it, you own it."

Jack's Counter

He bought the beer, whatever means of transporting the beer he deems necessary is acceptable. If you have a problem with his means of conveyence than you should get up and get the beer yourself.

Problem Posed

When toasting with beer, should you clink with the top or the bottom of the bottle?

Man Law Solution

The Bottom, because clinking the top would qualify as kissing.

Jack's Counter

Don't be homophobic, clinking the tops is nothing like kissing and clinking the bottoms just makes you look like an idiot.

Problem Posed

Is the high five officially played out?

Man Law Solution

Yes, but a continuance has been issued until a replacement can be found.

Jack's Counter

No, in fact not only is the high five still in, but "gimme five" is making a strong comeback. Phone fives are also a nice choice if you are not with someone in person.

Problem Posed

Is crushing an empty beer can on your forehead acceptable?

Man Law Solution

No, modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past.

Jack's Counter

Go ahead and do it if you want…meathead. Of course if you really want to prove your manliness in an act of meatheadedness, I recommend keg tossing...or if the oppurtunity presents itself, midget tossing.

Problem Posed

Is it permissible to hide your beer in the fridge so that others can't find it?

Man Law Solution

No, Sharing is caring.

Jack's Counter

Of course it is. It's your beer and you can deem who is worthy to consume it.

Problem Posed

Wireless phone headsets - pretty cool or technology gone bad?

Man Law Solution

Technology gone bad: Anything that makes you look like a crazy person - not cool.

Jack's Counter

If you're in a situation where you need your hands to be free then fine, but don't walk around with it in your ear for hours on end if you aren't even talking to anyone. There's nothing worse than impotent technology.

Problem Posed

Can you put a lime or any other fruit in your beer?

Man Law Solution

No, fruit is completely off limits in beer. If one was to put fruit in a beer, they might as well put a little umbrella in it and call it a "beera colada". Man Law: "Don't Fruit the Beer"

Jack's Counter

Nothing wrong with fruit in beer. This rule really cheeses me off, because it's clearly Miller Light propoganda. Right, you don't fruit beers like Miller, Bud, or Coors, because it's pointless to do that and the beers aren't designed for that. But if you're having a Heifenweizen a lemon wedge is perfectly acceptable as that is necessary to fully appreciate the beer. Oh, and limes for Coronoa, but that's because Corona tastes like shit without it.

Problem Posed

Is it permissible, in the pursuit of humor, to tap the top of another man's beer bottle with the bottom of your beer bottle, causing the other man's beer bottle to fizz over?

Man Law Solution

No, as there are plenty of other things that make us laugh without wasting a drop of beer, like Japanese game shows, Undercover Brother on DVD, and Jimmy Johnson's hair. Man Law: "No wasting beer in the pursuit of humor."

Jack's Counter

Yes, the onus is on the person who's had the beer tapped to make sure the beer doesn't spill. As soon as the beer is tapped, the tapee should immediately respond by chugging the beer as it foams out over the top. The humor in a good beer top isn't in watching someone's beer spill, but in watching them try to save the beer from spilling. A good man will keep anything from being wasted.

Problem Posed

Have football fans become too reliant on the "D-Fence" sign?

Man Law Solution

Yes, however, a continuance has been issued on the "D-Fence" sign, while giving a try-out to the "Off-Fence" sign this season.

Jack's Counter

This is just a stupid rule as it applies to such a small percentage of manhood. Let the people support their teams as they wish, even if it is in a highly uncreative manner.

Problem Posed

Is it acceptable for a man to leave his fellow men in order to leave with his woman?

Man Law Solution

No, however, this ruling can be overturned if she is deemed attractive enough by said fellow men. Most notably, Burt Reynolds, in the case of Mr. Murray's girlfriend, Jewel.

Jack's Counter

Should not be done consistently, because that demonstrates immasculation. If it happens a few times it is acceptable, especially if the number of friends being left behind is 2 or greater as you really aren't leaving them in any sort of lurch. You're just being a pansy.