Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Storytime: The Quest for the 17

On an evening of epic proportions, four men, three of them brave, the other a big pansy, set out on a quest of epic proportions. Their quest, to consume one frosty beverage (i.e. beer, power converter, juice, snow cone) at each of the eleven eating clubs of Princeton University AND to consume one in each of the six defunct eating clubs including Dial, Gateway, Elm, Key & Seal, Cannon, and Court. This is the tale of legendary men on a glorious quest of excessive consumption of alcohol.

Rehan the Resolved
Grover the Gallant
Jack the Just
Foulger the Failure

Chapter 1: Dedication To The Defunct
As our story begins our heroes choose to raid the hallowed grounds of clubs of days past. These are the six clubs are those whose halls were once filled with the joyous debauchery that now floods through the current eleven clubs of Princeton University, but for financial reasons were forced to close their doors. Now most of them are owned by the University and it is said that horrible tortures of academia are carried out there.
Our heroes treked out to the lands that lay beyond Charter Club. There they found themselves in a decrepid land void of functioning eating clubs. Here lay two former clubs known as Key & Seal and Court. Given that these clubs were no longer functioning they were no longer compable of providing us with the nectar which we desired, thus Grover the Gallant had brought cans of warm Bud Light in his Pack o' Plenty. We consumed one of these fine brewskies on the back porch of each of these two clubs and left our mark, placing the four empty cans in the shape of the strongest of all forms, the mighty quadrangle. Upon consuming those fine beverages, we moved across the street to the building next to TI, Elm, which currently houses the Anthropology Department.

At this point, Foulger the Failure lost his nerve. Apparently drinking three beers was too much for this young lass and he abandoned our quest. One man lighter, our remaining heroes sallied forth to the building formerly known as Dial, currently known as the Finance Department and from there we moved over to the Cannon Club again leaving our signature at each of these locations. Although, since we were no longer four, we left the aluminum container of Bud Light that had been intended for Foulger the Failure unopened in dishonor of him. Once those beers were consumed our last defunct club was Gateway, a mystical club located in the Center for Jewish Life. Our heroes noticed that the door to the CJL was open. Could they? Should they drink their beers INSIDE the CJL? Yes, that is exactly what they did. Beneath the ten commandments, our heroes drank their beers and again left their signature mark. Given that Campus Club is on the verge of joining these clubs in the land of the defunct and our heroes' fears that it may close before they ahd a chance to get back to it, our heroes grabbed a quick draft of Rolling Rock from that which lies on the corner of Washington and Prospect.

Chapter 2: Blitzing the Bickers
Conquering the challenges of the defunct clubs, the warm gross Bud Light, the possibility of being caught, and being abandoned by one of the members, our heroes proceed to the next leg of their challenge. Armed with ICC stickers, we hoped to have little difficulty gaining access to the Bicker clubs of Princeton University. However, our heroes quickly encounter a hindrance.
From soon to be defunct Campus Club our heroes journeyed to the Tiger Inn. Much to our heroes' chagrin they found that, of all places, TI was not serving alcohol. Then, Rehan the Resolved noticed that some full kegs were left unattended a room outside of their kegerator. An idea struck our heroes. Rehan the Resolved and Jack the Just returned to Quadrangle Club to pick up an emergency piece of equipment...a hand tap. They returned to TI, tapped a keg and poured themselves fresh beast from the kegs. They then drank their beers in the lap of luxury on the clubs leather coaches in their foyer.

From there, our heroes moved to Ivy, which sucks and where nothing of note occured. Next was Cottage, where they had to chug their beers to get one. And then they went to Cap and Gown. At some point during this trip, they went to Tower, but the details of that part of the evening are blurry.

Chapter 3: Sweeping Up With Sign-Ins
As our heroes came down the home stretch nothing much really happend that is worth telling... at least nothing that anyone can remember.
To Cloister, then Charter then back to Colonial, our heroes hit up Terrace and then returned home to Quad. Here our heroes encountered their former coquester Foulger the Failure as they finished their 17th beer of the evening, they could do little more then look down on their fallen comrade in shame...because they couldn't hold their heads up anymore. Grover the Gallant returned home with his fair maiden...actually she isn't really all that fair...her skin is pretty dark...whatever. Rehan the Resolved and Jack the Just continued to hang around Quad and somehow found themselves in a game of Beer Frizz (Beer Frisbee, I'll explain some other time). Their opponents were Foulger the Failure and someone else. Unfortunatly for our heroes, they had become so intoxicated that upon throwing the frisbee, it promptly entered a tree repeatedly. As a result of this, they lost the game handily. Foulger the Failure at some point insulted them, and Jack the Just dealt out swift punishment in the form of a headlock. Then, the night ended, and our heroes all rested soundly in their beds knowing that their quest had been completed and would forever live on as legends in their own minds...and now...on this blog.

Who’s this girl standing here in front of me as she’s smiling
trying to get me a drink for free and I …I can’t say I really mind
but I’ve already had one too many HELLO
-Welbilt "Bombs Away"

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