Squirrel Experiments

Wow, I don't know if I have the words to describe this ridiculous incident. If you're too lazy to click that little link there, I'll provide you a brief synopsis. Squirrels in Russia recently attacked and literally gutted a dog. Now, in the past I've heard of squirrels and chipmunks harassing cats and dogs and such, but something to this magnitude is simply ludicrous. Look at this squirrel here, smug in it's satisfaction of having absolutely destroyed another living being. They're wild and on the loose I tell you. For ages Princetonians have been joking about the black squirrels which populate campus with their punk-rock earrings (the earrings are actually tags placed on them by researchers in order to track their movements...Or so they claim).

We've had scattered incidents of suicidal squirrels and general insanity being viewed in this usually docile creatures, but I think that the Chinese have taken experiments on squirrels one step further. Why do I say the Chinese you say? Look at the map to the right. The town that this incident took place in is called Lazo, which is right on the border of Russia and China. Clearly some sick experiment that the Chinese were carrying out in the confines of their own borders spread into Russia.

Now, the reports are indicating that this sort of behavior is a result of the current lack of food for the squirrels in the area (there is apparently a pine-cone shortage, who knew that was possible. Perhaps we can start a fund raiser rock concert called SquirrelAid, where we have First graders collect pine cones and we ship them over to Russia). I however think that this food shortage is merely the impetus for the squirrels' behavior. The underlying cause is a general mood change of the squirrels and an increase in aggressiveness and tenacity, which is obviously a result of Chinese experimentation on the little buggers. They're probably training an army of squirrels so that they can distribute them around the world and have them...Eat our dogs.

"I wouldn't be surprised to see a lot of these turnin' up"

He was killed by a cellular phone explosion
They scattered his ashes across the ocean
The water was used to make baby lotion
The wheels of promotion were set into motion