Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Jack and the Last Crusade

Foulgasm wrote this parody script of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. It's based on the fact that I have a love for a specific model of plastic cup for drinking games. The cup is Y16JJ and it's the cup that I used for most of my drinking games in college before my senior year, at which point the line of cups was apparently discontinued. It was a sad day for us all.

JACK crawls through a small opening in the side of the cave and enters a

A vast array of chalices is displayed on the altar of this small Temple.

Perhaps a hundred or more. Many sizes, many shapes, some gold, some silver,

some plastic, but they all glitter and shine.
JACK is mesmerized by their number and their beauty. And then he realizes

that a man is leaning over the altar, definitely blacked out.
He has his back turned to JACK. He is dressed as A BEER KNIGHT.
We can't see the BEER KNIGHT's face. His helmet is adorned with beer cans and long tubes for drinking. The visor of his helmet is down, but we see his eyes. They are the eyes of a man who has seen many drunken nights.
When the BEER KNIGHT sees JACK he gets wearily to his feet and,

surprisingly, prepares to give combat...taking up his two-handed beer

pong paddle...he comes at JACK, attempting to swing the huge, gilded paddle but finding the effort almost too much. JACK dodges two or three

clumsy swings, making no attempt to fight back...until the Knight,

exhausted, drops the paddle and collapses. JACK approaches him and raises the visor and we see that the Knight is a very ancient man.
                              BEER KNIGHT
               I knew you'd come, but my strength

has left me.
               Who are you?
                           BEER KNIGHT
               The last of three frat brothers who

swore an oath to find the Grail

and to guard it.
               That was seven hundred Reunions ago!
                             BEER KNIGHT
               A long time to wait.
The GRAIL KNIGHT reaches forward and fingers JACK's clothing.
                              BEER KNIGHT
               You're strangely dressed...for a

frat boy. Where is the pastel polo

shirt, the popped collar?
               I'm not exactly...a frat boy. What

do you mean?
                              BEER KNIGHT
               I was chosen because I had the best

Tolerance, the most accurate Beirut

Shot and the best Robo bounce. The

honor was mine until another came

to challenge me to single combat.

I pass it to you who vanquished me.
The BEER KNIGHT holds his paddle out to JACK.
               Sorry, beer pong is sort of a Charter

thing. By which I mean a douchebag thing.
                               BEER KNIGHT
               The paddle is symbolic, kid. Just take it.
At that moment FROSHY McPOSER and HOTTY DeSOPHY appear. FROSHY turns to face the display of cups. He is drunk, and seems to think he's going to get laid tonight.
               Which one is it?
                              BEER KNIGHT
               You must choose.


But choose wisely. For as the

True Grail will bring you eternal

drunkenness— the False Grail will

take it from you.
               PFFFFTTTT yeah right. My dad owns

A DEALERSHIP. I know like six people

in Ivy.
FROSHY turns to HOTTY and whispers.
                I have no idea what it looks like.

I don't know any of this old school

shit. Which one is it?
               Let me choose.
               Fine bitch, just don't fuck it up...

I can totally get you blackballed

From TI.
HOTTY chooses a cup — a solid gold, emerald encrusted goblet that is narrow

at the top and the bottom.
FROSHY instantly takes it from her.
               Oh, yes. It's more beautiful than

I'd ever imagined. This certainly

is the cup of the King of Drunks.
FROSHY rushes to the keg and fills the cup with Milwaukee's Best. 
               Eternal inebriation!!
FROSHY drinks from the narrow goblet.
Then, FROSHY'S entire body starts to convulse. His face contorts in agony.

HOTTY gasps. FROSHY grabs his stomach and turns toward HOTTY.
               No babe, it's cool. I'm 21 Club.
A trash can materializes, and vomit flows OUT of it into FROSHY's mouth.

Time moves backwards as his drunkenness falls away.
               What . . . is . . . happening. . . to . . .
               me. . .?
He starts to sober up — fast! His hair becomes combed. His face becomes shaven

and clean. The necktie around his forehead disappears.
HOTTY gasps and screams.
               What. . . is . . . happening. . . ?
FROSHY's shirt tucks itself in. His collar folds down, and he shudders as it becomes unpopped. A backpack appears on his back, weighing him down with hundreds of pounds of sobering schoolwork. Thick glasses appear on his face, and a pocket protector materializes in his chest pocket. FROSHY lets out a desperate scream.
His hands reach for HOTTY's throat, choking her.
JACK rushes forward and pushes FROSHY away. As he falls his BODY BREAKS

                               BEER KNIGHT
               He chose...poorly.
JACK, clearly shaken by what he has just witnessed, studies the array of

               Um, you might want to stay away

from the narrow ones. My bad.
JACK picks up another cup, a humbly proportioned, clear plastic chalice. Engraved on its modest stand are the letters "Y16JJ". 
               That's the cup of a Beirut master.
He and HOTTY exchange a look.
               There's only one way to find out.
JACK goes to the keg and fills the cup with beast, carefully tilting the vessel to obtain optimal head on his beer. He pauses.
JACK grips the cup in classic overhand fashion. He brings the cup to his lips and chugs it. Beer flows freely around the edges onto his shirt.
A strange sensation overcomes him, a feeling of peace and contentment...and we see his eyes slowly glaze as sobriety blissfully escapes his body. 
               You have chosen wisely. But the

Grail cannot pass beyond the

front door. We have bouncers up there.

That is the boundary and the price of

drinking for free.
Jack wobbles, struggling to maintain his balance. He makes his way to the keg and pours himself another beer. Before he can drink it, he boots all over the floor. HOTTY brings him the trash can.
               thann you. Wow that wuz aaawwesome.
HOTTY looks into JACK's eyes, entranced by his knowledge of plastic beer cups.
               Jack, take me to the Gold Room.
Jack has already passed out.

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