Foulgasm wrote this parody script of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. It's based on the fact that I have a love for a specific model of plastic cup for drinking games. The cup is Y16JJ and it's the cup that I used for most of my drinking games in college before my senior year, at which point the line of cups was apparently discontinued. It was a sad day for us all.
FADE IN:
INT. A DARK CAVE. NIGHT
JACK crawls through a small opening in the side of the cave and enters a
Temple.
A vast array of chalices is displayed on the altar of this small Temple.
Perhaps a hundred or more. Many sizes, many shapes, some gold, some silver,
some plastic, but they all glitter and shine.
JACK is mesmerized by their number and their beauty. And then he realizes
that a man is leaning over the altar, definitely blacked out.
He has his back turned to JACK. He is dressed as A BEER KNIGHT.
CLOSE ON THE BEER KNIGHT
We can't see the BEER KNIGHT's face. His helmet is adorned with beer cans and long tubes for drinking. The visor of his helmet is down, but we see his eyes. They are the eyes of a man who has seen many drunken nights.
When the BEER KNIGHT sees JACK he gets wearily to his feet and,
surprisingly, prepares to give combat...taking up his two-handed beer
pong paddle...he comes at JACK, attempting to swing the huge, gilded paddle but finding the effort almost too much. JACK dodges two or three
clumsy swings, making no attempt to fight back...until the Knight,
exhausted, drops the paddle and collapses. JACK approaches him and raises the visor and we see that the Knight is a very ancient man.
BEER KNIGHT
I knew you'd come, but my strength
has left me.
JACK
Who are you?
BEER KNIGHT
The last of three frat brothers who
swore an oath to find the Grail
and to guard it.
JACK
That was seven hundred Reunions ago!
BEER KNIGHT
A long time to wait.
The GRAIL KNIGHT reaches forward and fingers JACK's clothing.
BEER KNIGHT
You're strangely dressed...for a
frat boy. Where is the pastel polo
shirt, the popped collar?
JACK
I'm not exactly...a frat boy. What
do you mean?
BEER KNIGHT
I was chosen because I had the best
Tolerance, the most accurate Beirut
Shot and the best Robo bounce. The
honor was mine until another came
to challenge me to single combat.
I pass it to you who vanquished me.
The BEER KNIGHT holds his paddle out to JACK.
JACK
Sorry, beer pong is sort of a Charter
thing. By which I mean a douchebag thing.
BEER KNIGHT
The paddle is symbolic, kid. Just take it.
At that moment FROSHY McPOSER and HOTTY DeSOPHY appear. FROSHY turns to face the display of cups. He is drunk, and seems to think he's going to get laid tonight.
FROSHY
Which one is it?
BEER KNIGHT
You must choose.
(pause)
But choose wisely. For as the
True Grail will bring you eternal
drunkenness— the False Grail will
take it from you.
FROSHY
PFFFFTTTT yeah right. My dad owns
A DEALERSHIP. I know like six people
in Ivy.
FROSHY turns to HOTTY and whispers.
FROSHY
I have no idea what it looks like.
I don't know any of this old school
shit. Which one is it?
HOTTY
Let me choose.
FROSHY
Fine bitch, just don't fuck it up...
I can totally get you blackballed
From TI.
HOTTY chooses a cup — a solid gold, emerald encrusted goblet that is narrow
at the top and the bottom.
FROSHY instantly takes it from her.
FROSHY
Oh, yes. It's more beautiful than
I'd ever imagined. This certainly
is the cup of the King of Drunks.
FROSHY rushes to the keg and fills the cup with Milwaukee's Best.
FROSHY
Eternal inebriation!!
FROSHY drinks from the narrow goblet.
Then, FROSHY'S entire body starts to convulse. His face contorts in agony.
HOTTY gasps. FROSHY grabs his stomach and turns toward HOTTY.
FROSHY
No babe, it's cool. I'm 21 Club.
A trash can materializes, and vomit flows OUT of it into FROSHY's mouth.
Time moves backwards as his drunkenness falls away.
FROSHY
What . . . is . . . happening. . . to . . .
me. . .?
He starts to sober up — fast! His hair becomes combed. His face becomes shaven
and clean. The necktie around his forehead disappears.
HOTTY gasps and screams.
FROSHY
What. . . is . . . happening. . . ?
FROSHY's shirt tucks itself in. His collar folds down, and he shudders as it becomes unpopped. A backpack appears on his back, weighing him down with hundreds of pounds of sobering schoolwork. Thick glasses appear on his face, and a pocket protector materializes in his chest pocket. FROSHY lets out a desperate scream.
FROSHY
Nooooooooooooo!!
His hands reach for HOTTY's throat, choking her.
JACK rushes forward and pushes FROSHY away. As he falls his BODY BREAKS
INTO FLAMES, then SHATTERS AGAINST THE WALL.
BEER KNIGHT
He chose...poorly.
JACK, clearly shaken by what he has just witnessed, studies the array of
cups.
HOTTY
Um, you might want to stay away
from the narrow ones. My bad.
JACK picks up another cup, a humbly proportioned, clear plastic chalice. Engraved on its modest stand are the letters "Y16JJ".
JACK
That's the cup of a Beirut master.
He and HOTTY exchange a look.
JACK
There's only one way to find out.
JACK goes to the keg and fills the cup with beast, carefully tilting the vessel to obtain optimal head on his beer. He pauses.
JACK grips the cup in classic overhand fashion. He brings the cup to his lips and chugs it. Beer flows freely around the edges onto his shirt.
A strange sensation overcomes him, a feeling of peace and contentment...and we see his eyes slowly glaze as sobriety blissfully escapes his body.
KNIGHT
You have chosen wisely. But the
Grail cannot pass beyond the
front door. We have bouncers up there.
That is the boundary and the price of
drinking for free.
Jack wobbles, struggling to maintain his balance. He makes his way to the keg and pours himself another beer. Before he can drink it, he boots all over the floor. HOTTY brings him the trash can.
JACK
thann you. Wow that wuz aaawwesome.
HOTTY looks into JACK's eyes, entranced by his knowledge of plastic beer cups.
HOTTY
Jack, take me to the Gold Room.
Jack has already passed out.
FADE OUT
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