My Church as a Child

(Ed: I found out that people actually read this. When I write these posts I usually just write them straight as I think and post them without doing any sort of editing or proofreading. I just did a quick proofread and corrected some critical errors. There's still probably some mistakes in here, but it should be much more readable now)

So one of the major things that I wanted to write about when I started this My Rip Off of Scrubs series of posts was religion. I find my religious journey and the epiphanies I've had along the way to be quite interesting. Well, interesting to me anyway. Also, it's not something I've ever talked about much and I suppose the things I will write about here should help explain why. I will tell this tale where most stories begin, the beginning.

I vaguely remember going to church when I was little. My mom and I would go every Sunday. My dad never came, I never really got the explanation of why, that's just the way it was and I accepted it as fact. To me the idea that fathers didn't go to mass was just the way it was and somewhere deep inside of me I think this ingrained in me that the religious aspects of a child's life are the woman's responsibility. Not that I fully believe this, but in some part of my heart I know that if I have some sort of disagreement on the religious aspects of my future child's life, I will fairly easily concede to my future wife. In any case, I remember always wanting to be up front. I don't think this was due to any sort of religious enthusiasm, I think I just liked to be at the front of things. I liked being as close as possibility to whatever was going on, be it class, church, etc.

I also remember really enjoying the singing part. I think that was the only aspect that really got me enthused. And I wasn't shy, I didn't hold back at all. I sang as loud and as enthusiastically as possible. I did this until one day I started noticing other people glancing at me while I was singing. It was the sort of looks that make you sort of realize that people are judging you and that you're doing something that, perhaps, you should feel shameful about. I can almost remember the exact moment of that realization and the horror with which I was filled. When I think about it I can't help but think of Adam and Eve and the fact that of their first actions after taking that infamous bite of that apple was to cover themselves. To cover their shame. I felt like I had just eaten an apple from the tree of life and suddenly I felt the need to cover my shame. I didn't sing for years after that and even when I did start singing again it was always quite enough that the person standing next to me would barely be able to hear.

These are really the only things that I remember about church as a child. I'm pretty sure that any sort of message was completely lost to me. To me, church was a place I dressed up to go to every Sunday with my mother, sit in the front row, be bored and sing. And then of course it became the place I dressed up to go to every Sunday with my mother, sit in the front row, be bored, and be too ashamed to sing.

Make you to shine like the sun
And hold you in the plam of his hand.